Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
we made out on top of his cat.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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