I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
