I'd wear matching sweaters with you
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
