If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize