One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize