I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
