Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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