Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
