I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize