What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize