I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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