shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
