the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
