I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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