I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
