So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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