Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
