I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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