3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
