I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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