I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
