there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
