dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
