Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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