So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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