My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
