i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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