yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
