my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize