he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize