Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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