Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
