I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
