just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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