Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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