I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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