I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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