everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
