Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
