So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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