I got chris browned last night
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
We got so high we made milksteak
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
