i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
