I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Drunk is a universal language darling
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