Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
