all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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