This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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