Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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