There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
