Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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