How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
