after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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