ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
