girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
