Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
