I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
