tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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