there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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