I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
