I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
