I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize